A good portion of my clinical work is with couples. Problems are, paradoxically, often a sign of growth in a relationship. The initial basis of the relationship has run out because each partner has done a good job of meeting each other's needs. The challenge comes in figuring out what comes next, learning to communicate without hurting, healing together each's old wounds from the past.
While the topics that couples are concerned about vary widely — heated arguments, infidelity, sexual issues, parenting differences — what I'm always most curious about is: Where do you both get stuck in solving your own problems? What are the dysfunctional patterns that you tend to repeat over and over? What I don't want couple therapy to be is the only safe place to sort out the fight-of-the-week, nor do I want to turn into a courtroom scenario where each partner presents his or her case, and are looking to me to decide who is right, who is wrong.
Instead of the couple getting caught up in the content of their disagreements — the facts — I want to help them become more aware of the process — to be able to recognize when the conversation is going nowhere, when each person is emotionally upset and has tunnel vision, when the conversation is turning into a power struggle. I want to help them see the patterns — the ways they bounce off of each other and keep falling into the same dysfunctional loops.
And so I focus on teaching good communication skills; I ask the hard questions to find the problem under the problem; I assign homework so the couple can practice these skills in their real lives — so they can learn to override their own childhood wounds through new behaviors in the present, so they each can feel safe enough to speak up and say what they each want and need—and so I tend not to see couples weekly.
Here are some of my areas of specialization:
Poor Communication
Couples often say they have communication problems — easily fall into arguments, one person talking the other shutting down, both not talking and instead sweeping problems under the rug. Good communication isn't about personality but a skills, and we focus on and practice these in and out of sessions. We're also trying to break the dysfunctional loops that keep problems in place.
Infidelity
Affairs, whether they be emotional or physical, are always about trust and grief: trust that the wounded partner worries that this can happen again in the future, grief because the person's image of the relationship and the other person's personality is shattered — a psychological loss. Affairs are bad solutions to other problems — individual, relational, usually both — and solution is not putting a person a short leash, or adopting an "I'm sorry, it was stupid, let's put it behind us" attitude. Rather the healing comes from deconstructing what happened so these underlying problems can be put to rest, so that both partners better understand what makes each of them tick.
Sex, Money, Kids
These can be problems of skill — enjoyable lovemaking, budgeting and money management, parenting skills. But these 3 are also the power issues in relationships where it's not about how we do this, but whose way is the best and comes out on top. Often these areas are where other problems in the relationship are replicated in concentrated forms. The goal is to separate out skills from power, to communicate concerns, to reach win—win resolutions.
Premarital Counseling
"Don't plan your wedding, plan your life." Premarital sessions can help couples iron out any snagging issues that threaten to get swept under the rug in the excitement of marriage, provide a chance to learn some skills, look ahead to the common challenges that may come down the road. These usually are brief, 1-3 sessions.
While the topics that couples are concerned about vary widely — heated arguments, infidelity, sexual issues, parenting differences — what I'm always most curious about is: Where do you both get stuck in solving your own problems? What are the dysfunctional patterns that you tend to repeat over and over? What I don't want couple therapy to be is the only safe place to sort out the fight-of-the-week, nor do I want to turn into a courtroom scenario where each partner presents his or her case, and are looking to me to decide who is right, who is wrong.
Instead of the couple getting caught up in the content of their disagreements — the facts — I want to help them become more aware of the process — to be able to recognize when the conversation is going nowhere, when each person is emotionally upset and has tunnel vision, when the conversation is turning into a power struggle. I want to help them see the patterns — the ways they bounce off of each other and keep falling into the same dysfunctional loops.
And so I focus on teaching good communication skills; I ask the hard questions to find the problem under the problem; I assign homework so the couple can practice these skills in their real lives — so they can learn to override their own childhood wounds through new behaviors in the present, so they each can feel safe enough to speak up and say what they each want and need—and so I tend not to see couples weekly.
Here are some of my areas of specialization:
Poor Communication
Couples often say they have communication problems — easily fall into arguments, one person talking the other shutting down, both not talking and instead sweeping problems under the rug. Good communication isn't about personality but a skills, and we focus on and practice these in and out of sessions. We're also trying to break the dysfunctional loops that keep problems in place.
Infidelity
Affairs, whether they be emotional or physical, are always about trust and grief: trust that the wounded partner worries that this can happen again in the future, grief because the person's image of the relationship and the other person's personality is shattered — a psychological loss. Affairs are bad solutions to other problems — individual, relational, usually both — and solution is not putting a person a short leash, or adopting an "I'm sorry, it was stupid, let's put it behind us" attitude. Rather the healing comes from deconstructing what happened so these underlying problems can be put to rest, so that both partners better understand what makes each of them tick.
Sex, Money, Kids
These can be problems of skill — enjoyable lovemaking, budgeting and money management, parenting skills. But these 3 are also the power issues in relationships where it's not about how we do this, but whose way is the best and comes out on top. Often these areas are where other problems in the relationship are replicated in concentrated forms. The goal is to separate out skills from power, to communicate concerns, to reach win—win resolutions.
Premarital Counseling
"Don't plan your wedding, plan your life." Premarital sessions can help couples iron out any snagging issues that threaten to get swept under the rug in the excitement of marriage, provide a chance to learn some skills, look ahead to the common challenges that may come down the road. These usually are brief, 1-3 sessions.